Spanderverse: Points Of View, Three
by harsens-rob
Summary: Spanderverse story 23: Xander's POV of the last battle with Glory and their loss of Buffy.


Disclaimer: Legal stuff, don't own characters, haven't made any money, this is for entertainment purposes, no profit earned, lawyers go away. –_kisses-_

**Emails are welcome as are honest reviews. I respond to all correspondence. In addition check out the 'Spanderverse' Forum under the Buffy topic. **

POV: Xander

Spoiler Alert: There are tidbits from past episodes and _especially_ the Spanderverse series.

Notes: Story number Twenty-Four in the Spanderverse-universe, following "_Spanderverse: Points of View, Two"._

Everything from the television series through the defeat of Adam also occurred as depicted, in the Spanderverse.

People's thoughts are depicted in _italics_. You'll find emphasis depicted with an underline.

More Notes: BIG thanks to Joss, the ME creative team and the crew of one of the best shows on television. WE MISS YOU! And THANK YOU JOSS and DH COMICS for Buffy: Season 8!

Thanks to the authors of Fanfiction, wherever you may post. It's probable that I've read at least one of your stories somewhere. I apologize for recycling concepts inadvertently from the plentitude of stories I've read.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Spanderverse: Points of View, Three**

Xander

_**I hate this! I hate this whole idea, **_**I'm thinking, while convincing Anya that she should seek out Glory, the Hellgod. It feels like I'm betraying her; sending her into harm's way even though I know that it is her only chance to be restored.**

**I love Anya. Okay, I'm not ****in**** love with her, but I do love her. I always will. Seeing her sanity stripped from her, stolen, was nearly more than I could stand, but sending her into the path of a god on the warpath is worse.**

"**You're a killer," Anya yells at Giles as she passes and my heart nearly stops. There's something less random-babble about it and far more specific. Considering the argument that Giles and Buffy had regarding what will happen if we can't get Dawn away from Glory in time, Anya's words chill me right down to the bone. I can see it has just as disturbing an effect on the others, especially on Giles himself.**

**There's no time to comfort him though with the 'she doesn't know what she's saying' excuse. Even if it's true, because Ahn is really on the move and I need to keep her in sight. So I grab an axe from Spike and wonder if I'll have time to explore this new, quite gay-**

**thank you very much- relationship with him. **

_**You will if we deal with the Dawn issue once and for all, **_**Hyena growl-whispers to me.**

**I hate that bitch.**

**Spike's crystal blue eyes don't reveal anything when I meet them. I'm kinda hoping he'll give me a 'good luck, mate' or maybe even a quick wink. I don't expect any sort of grand expressions of love, but he could give me something. He doesn't. His eyes are as cool as ice. I try to catch Giles' eyes next, to show him support after Anya's words, but he's looking at the floor and not meeting anyone's wondering gaze.**

**We shouldn't have to wonder. Giles is… he's like father-mentor-protector-friend. We shouldn't have to think about him hurting Dawn, and yet he's also Watcher-Ripper-Warrior and that has me very worried. Oh, yeah, he doesn't look much like the 'Warrior' type, but believe me… I've seen him fighting on behalf of Buffy and there's a vicious tiger under all that brown tweed.**

**So, I'm thinking I should say something to him, but I'm not good at quick thinking on my feet like that, if it doesn't involve my trademark self-protective humor. And there's just no time to think, like I said, because Anya is going like a shot and I quickly leave the shop behind and follow her.**

**The night is warm and muggy, thanks to Giles' impromptu storm. I don't even want to think what kind of magic he was wielding to allow him to survive a fight against something like Glory. I mean, this woman - and I use the term in quotes – has easily shrugged off everything Buffy had done. She's even managed to recover with lightning speed to Willow's magic, and I thought she was the uber-magic thrower of the group. Every time we peel a layer from the Giles enigma, I become more disturbed. I'm pretty sure none of the others would even guess that I knew what enigma means.**

**I'm getting an idea of where my former girlfriend is heading now and I'm growing ever more nervous, because the time of talking and planning is over. This is it. We're going to go against a god and it's all on the line in a way that the various almost 'apocolypsi' we've dealt with weren't. Sure, we've had some dicey moments… seeing Angel hauling Buffy's drowned figure out of a puddle in the Master's lair added about fifty gray hairs to my way-too-young-for-grey head. And there was the whole Angelus/Acathla/World being sucked into Hell drama; not to mention that fight against an ascended mayor. But this one has me shaking inside in a way that the others didn't; don't ask me why.**

**I glance back to make sure the gang has caught up with us, 'cause it might really suck if I have to perform this sanity re-sucking spell myself. Thankfully, they're there. They're all always there, right when I need them most. I love them; more fiercely than I've loved anybody in my downtrodden and clownish life.**

**Speaking of love… Spike jogs up to me and he already knows where Anya is headed as well. Which surprises me, but it shouldn't. Spike probably knows every inch of Sunnydale by now both above and below the streets.**

**He reaches down and gives my hand a brief and romantic squeeze. "And you watch your back. I haven't had a chance to plunder that virgin ass, yet," he smirks, undercutting the moment beautifully. He's like that… like me; we don't do syrupy. Well, okay, once in a while, I'll do syrupy… but don't tell him that!**

**I call him an 'ass', but I do it with a grin on my face suddenly feeling a load lighter than I had. I still can't believe my weird life. Even when I think I've gotten used to crazy things and can grow blasé about the day to day vampire fighting, something comes along to completely skew my worldview. Right now, that's the fact that I've fallen, I think pretty hard, for a vampire. A male vampire, in point of fact. **

**It's taken a while to get comfortable with the idea. I think it's taken him off guard too, though he'd never show it. Mr. Cool – that's him. And thank God for it, because he's keeping me grounded as we approach the battle site.**

**I just hope he can be patient with me. Spike is a very sexual creature and right now, I'm just not ready for all of the stuff that comes with getting involved with a guy. At least I can kiss him though, without having a mini-freak out over it. That's progress, right?**

**So, Willow is rushing by because she's got to do the heavy mojo to get Anya back and I grab her hand to wish her luck. I hate doing it, 'cause I know she's under enough pressure, but I can't keep it from my eyes that I'm really counting on her to do this. If this doesn't work… well, I can't think about it right now or I'll get myself killed.**

**Good ole' Will, though. She tells me she's getting Anya back and she's got on her resolve face and I immediately believe her. If Will is getting resolvey-faced, then it's a done deal.**

**We hang back to allow Willow and Anya to sneak in ahead of us. I'm nearly biting through my tongue (or maybe Hyena is, it's hard to tell sometimes who is doing what in my head… and where the hell is Commando… we could really use that Trinity-fighting thing we pulled back during Spike's rescue!) to keep from yelling at Willow to be careful, because the god herself is stalking toward them.**

**My view is obstructed as everyone surges ahead and enters the fray, including our secret weapons. We're really depending on the robots to keep Glory off-kilter. So I stand on my tip toes to see what's happening with Will and Anya, but its all just bright lights. That's when I spot a piece of machinery and I don't know why, but I just know that we'll need it!**

**I grab a hold of Spike's arm and tell him, "I've got an idea. It's not a tank, but it might be almost as good." Because, when everyone else took off to start the fight, Spike hung back with me. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but that says 'love' to me. Unfortunately, I've got to leave him and I can only hope he'll be okay. Which is ridiculous, because of course he's going to be okay. He's already taken what Glory had to give and he was pretty well beat up, but he survived. He always survives… whether he's fighting against us, or on our side; Spike lives… or un-lives, anyway.**

**So, I have this brilliant idea and then I crawl into the cab of the wrecking ball truck and then sit there like a huge Gomer. Yes, I am Xan… call me Zeppo. I should have known I'd try to be wise and end up being useless. At least Hyena is there to bail me out on this one; finally she does something moderately useful. And I still hate her; it's just a little bit less, now.**

**I manage to get the wrecker into position. Now I've just got to find Buffy and give her the bat-signal so she knows where to maneuver Blondie. I jump down and I'm almost immediately set upon by some old woman carrying around an old piece of iron piping. Well, what do you expect me to do? I mean, I can't just let her brain me, right? I punch her out. **

**It isn't my most manly of moments, but hey, at least my brain is still on the inside of my skull, however defective it may be. **

**I'm looking for Buffy, but I'm not seeing her or any of the others. At least, not until I get around the corner of one of the temporary sheds. There on the ground, on all fours, is Spike. The poor guy is getting the snot kicked out of him by a group of crazy people. And it's not their fault, but it doesn't stop me from being really pissed off. Times like this and I think how unfair it is what the Initiative did to him; what I wouldn't give to allow him to defend himself from any old Joe Blow with an attitude. Of course, then I remember that if it wasn't for the chip, we'd still be trying to kill each other, so silver lining and all that.**

**I know they really can't do much damage… none of them are carrying around stakes, but when I see him howl in pain because the chip just zapped him and all he did was push an attacker away, well, I kind of lose perspective for a minute. Oh yeah, Perspective Guy has left the building. **

**Of course, Hyena-Me really isn't helping me with the control thing. She's practically pushing out through my skin to rip some throats out. And I need her… I'm outnumbered and out-weaponed. So I let her loose… I tell her not to kill them, though. It's not their fault they got put under Glory's thrall… and I know all about being in thrall to some evil creep.**

**I don't know what happens after that, because the bitch not only got loosened, she frickin' took over! Now, see, that's just wrong! We're supposed to be a team and instead my wrists are being held by Spike and he's complaining that I'm hitting him. Like… what?! What the hell was she doing? We were supposed to be helping Spike, not adding to his bruises!**

**And can I just say how disturbing it is to 'come to' and realize I'm growling. Spike obviously finds it just as alarming, judging by the look on his face. But there's no time to go into my split-personality crisis right now, Dawn is obviously at the top of the tower and we've got a ritual to stop. At least I can sigh in relief that Spike won't let this sit… whatever Hyena and Commando were gaining by forcing me to keep quiet about their existence has been blown big time. And I'm very worried now… Commando is still a no-show and there is no way he'd allow Hyena to run free with our body. I know she did something to him… I can almost feel it and her denials sound empty to me. I'll have to get to the bottom of this, but not right now. She's right, damn it… we have to find the others and mount some interference because even if Buffy or Spike gets Dawn down from that rickety tower, there's no way they'll be allowed to just walk out of sight.**

**I'm just getting ready to go search when I hear the Aprilbot, sounding more like Faith these days, scream. A quick look shows me that she's jumped on Glory's back and I'd laugh if I wasn't so hoping that god's necks were easy to break. I also catch sight of Buffy and I know this is the moment that the wrecker was calling out to me for. I take off for it and, thank you God, Buffy catches sight of what I'm doing. With just glances and a thumbs up from me, she has caught on to the plan. That's what five years of fighting side by side will do.**

**And… oh yeah! I hit Glory head on with that massive, crushing ball of iron and I have never felt such a sense of satisfaction in my life! That was for Anya, you arrogant hag! Just as an extra 'screw you' on my own behalf I let the ball drop right on her and I'm almost laughing with the joy of it. She's caused so much pain, it feels good to return a little of it. Even Hyena is laughing her laugh in my head and mentally giving me a pat on the back.**

**Of course, I don't expect it to do much more than slow her down. She's a god! So imagine how quickly I turn to horrified when I see Anya come out of the shadows straight for her. She's got a tire iron or something above her head, holding it two handed and such a look of loathing on her face, she's even scaring me and I'm a good forty feet from her!**

**I nearly trip and fall on my face rushing out of the wrecker's cab to get to Anya and Hyena's agility saves us both a busted nose. I run for her because Glory is going to crush her and Anya is too enraged to think through what she's doing. That crowbar (I see now what it is as I approach) isn't going to do squat, but Anya is swinging and swinging like there's no tomorrow (and I shudder at that thought, 'cause it could be true). As I'm just reaching to grab her away from there, I look to see Ben lying on the ground.**

**I don't really know the guy, but he was in the hospital and at Joyce's funeral. He's some type of intern, I think. He looks too young to be an actual doctor. But he's dressed in Glory's clothes and he's bleeding and gasping for breath. I stop Anya just before she can beam the poor guy in the face, and maybe that wasn't the right thing to do, but I can't let Anya commit a murder. She has enough blood on her hands from her time as a demon; at least she's gotten a second chance now.**

**Hyena is telling me to crush Ben's windpipe and part of me really wants to. Even without knowing the story, I can tell that Ben's up to Glory's shit to his eyebrows and maybe if they're sharing bodies then killing one will kill the other. Kind of like Toth's original plan actually, that led to the creation of Hyena and the MIA Commando, in a way. But I can't do it and Hyena may be hissing at me for my weakness, but I don't think not killing people is weak. Giles will help us understand what this all means and then we'll figure out how to keep Glory gone and either help or punish Ben, depending on how much control he had over things. I may have been so willing to give him the benefit of a doubt due to my recent black out at the mental hands of Hyena-Xan, but I like to think I would have shown the guy mercy anyway.**

**There really isn't time for questions though, because Anya is sobbing into my chest and my heart is breaking for her even as I'm relieved that she's obviously back. Willow's spell worked and that's the most important thing but Anya is so distraught and I don't know how to take her pain away. You can see why I'm going through my days so confused, I hope.**

**I'm still trying to work out this whole Glory/Ben thing when Giles' voice intrudes on my thoughts. He's trying to get us out of there and I'm not sure if it's due to the fact that Glory could return at any moment, or if he's genuinely worried about the now wandering and dazed crazy people's welfare. I never even would have questioned him before, I don't think, but after the scene in the Magic Box, I find myself looking more closely at him. I don't like this… this uneasy sense of distrust. I hope once we have Dawn back and figure out a way for Glory to be defeated forever that we can all just get back to normal. Giles will sigh and wipe his glasses and frown disapprovingly and we'll all mildly make fun of him, but secretly we'll feel just a little safer with him watching over us. And he'll help get rid of Hyena. Yeah, that'll be nice.**

**I have my arm slung around Anya and pull her close to me as we, Tara and Wills start walking toward the street. Color me un-shocked that no one has come to find out what all the racket is about. That's Sunnydale, for you. But I'm feeling pretty good, I mean except for the part where Anya is still so upset by what she's gone through. Because, hey, we won. Glory has had to make a sudden retreat, in no small part because of the Xan's brilliant tactic of dropping a really heavy weight on her, thank you, so we can start the celebration as soon as Spike and Buffy get down here with Dawnie. **

**Speaking of which, that tower really was constructed rather shabbily. It would never pass inspection; I guess the scaly Smurfs just had no pride in their work. Sorry… construction nerd came out there for a minute.**

**So, I'm feeling relief and a post-battle high and Hyena is filling my head with images of kissing Spike in a very long make out session when we get home. For once, I'm not annoyed with her single track mind in the least.**

**We barely even react when we see that one of Glory's minions has just rained down from the sky and is lying dead at our feet. Buffy and/or Spike could have took a look before pitching it our way, but that just means that they've reached the top, probably, and are untying Dawn right now.**

**I guess I spoke too soon, because the ground starts shaking and I'm thinking, "Oh, nice… an earthquake now? You couldn't wait until tomorrow for this?" **

**Yes, sometimes I am very thick. I don't even think that the battle isn't over until the sky erupts in this violet-white light. Then suddenly things are like we got a visit from that movie 'Spaceballs' and the Mega-Maid with the wind and debris being sucked up and up toward the light and I know the damned portal is opening. I'm suddenly afraid… not for us and the world, curiously enough, but just for Buffy and Spike because they were supposed to be up there, but the ritual is taking place anyway. And this brings on the fear for Dawn. Bad news, sports fans… the home team is losing badly just when they thought they had the game in the bag.**

**Everyone, including me, is grabbing at the wood fence the construction company put up and trying to keep our feet because the ground is still quaking under us. Hyena is howling in outrage in my head. She's taking it as a personal affront that we won and now we suddenly didn't. Like the great Referee in the sky has made a bad call… I'm totally on her side in this respect.**

**I do a quick look back into the construction yard and I see Giles struggling. He's on the ground and there's all this junk on him, pinning him. So I shout out his name, for no particular reason, just reflex. He can't hear me, of course, because the wind is howling like a hurricane and lighting is shooting all over the place filling the air with crackling noise. Above my head, the portal is swirling like some sort of funnel cloud and I can actually see a dark hole in the center where the actual portal is waiting for Glory to jump into it or for things to come pouring out.**

**I'm kind of panicking now… a little bit. I hoped I'd be kind of cool and collected in the face of the end of the world… like Sgt. Rock or James Bond while facing obvious death. Hah! I'm scared nearly shitless! But I got to do something other than stand here being a jellyfish spine, so I take off to help Giles, leaving Anya with the witches. In my head, Hyena is just as freaked out as I am, so I'm getting no help in keeping my composure there.**

**I don't make it as far as Giles. As I'm making my dash, movement catches my eye and where I should have seen him before, but didn't, is my new boyfriend. He's struggling to get up from the ground and his lower face is covered in red. Blood is dripping from his chin and he looks scared. Spike is looking scared… my heart nearly stops because this DOES NOT HAPPEN. This is truly apocalyptic, if Spike is wearing fear on his face.**

**I yell his name… again, reflex… I know nobody can hear me in the racket from the earth tremors, the lightning display and the absolutely roaring wind. So, surprise… he doesn't hear me.**

**In that moment I have this perfect vision. It's so clear, it could be a photograph. Spike is looking very much like himself and I'm looking older, but still fit. I have grey at my temples and look a little bit more beefy, but not really fat. We're smiling and he has his hand hovering over my crotch, playfully, as if he's going to do something lewd for the camera. I'm laughing my fool head off at whoever is taking this moment for posterity. **

**And I know; this isn't going to happen. We've lost… finally… we've actually lost.**

**I leave rescuing Giles because I can't. None of us can be rescued. Well, that's not true… Buffy could rescue us, but she won't. She can't in the sense of she couldn't bring herself to do what she would have to do and I don't blame her at all. Not even now; not even knowing what's going to happen, because I couldn't do it, either.**

**Hyena wants me to get to Dawn. I can feel her pushing to take over because she wouldn't have any problem with killing her to save us all. She's already told me that more than once and I've no reason to doubt her. But I'm in control and I alter our current course toward the tower and Giles for Spike, instead.**

**When I reach him, I gather him into my arms. He's got thick blood running from his mouth and winces as I, not too gently I'm afraid, bundle him close to me. **

**I ignore all this. Instead I'm looking into those beautiful blue eyes and the just barely visible yellow-gold specks that come out in full when he's in 'game face'. **

"**We would have been a great pair," I say.**

"**Yeah, mate, we would have," Spike agrees just before pulling me further down into his embrace so he can kiss me. **

**And I kiss him back with everything I have because I don't know how many of them I'll get in before I die. His gender means even less to me now than it ever did and I'm kicking myself with regret and recrimination that I didn't have sex with him when I had the chance. I had to be all, 'ugh, gay sex… I don't know…' and now I've wasted that time. I really would have liked to find out what holding him naked against me would have been like with his cool skin and his hard, muscled frame.**

**His kiss is a slice of heaven, which is ironic considering his nature. My mouth is full of tingling and I know it's because of whatever is in vampire blood that allows them to make other vampires, but it's not important. I don't see me living long enough to get turned into a vampire. My heart is pounding in fear and yet inside, at the core of me, I'm calm. I know this is my end and I'm okay with it. Not happy… I plan on pulling God aside and giving him a piece of my mind about it, but I'm alright. I just wish I knew what will happen to the Spike-demon that I've come to know and care for.**

**Even Hyena has stopped fighting me. I feel her sink into the pleasure that is being in Spike's mouth and I savor the feel my hot tongue rubbing against his far cooler one, filling his mouth with my taste. I want him to take a part of me with him, just as I vow that I won't forget this moment. I'll never let 'them' take this moment from me.**

**It's very quiet now, suddenly and I open my eyes. I'm surprised because I kind of figured that when I was dead, I'd be disembodied but I still feel pretty well bodied, instead. Then I'm looking into Spike's eyes again and they look as bewildered as I feel. Around me, the city is coming alive with the sounds of screams and calls for help and sirens… lots and lots of siren noises.**

**Okay, so I'm not dead. I told you I'm thick sometimes.**

**My first thought is that Giles and Willow pulled out some last minute hocus-pocus to get us out of this mess and I'm grinning like a fool. I stand up to find them so I can give them a huge-freaking 'Congrats!' Spike tries to stand too, but only makes it as far as his knees. I'm not sure exactly what his injuries are, but if he isn't dust yet, he'll be fine. I don't mean that to sound as cold as it looks in black and white, it's just that you get used to the vampires getting beat up and then being back to normal in a day or two, or often just a few hours. It's kind of annoying, actually. I put a hand on his shoulder to stop him from trying to get up until I can help him.**

**I look over a mound of junk that Spike can't see over from his waist level viewpoint. And I feel my heart stop. Because it's ****her****. It's my unrequited first true love and my best friend and my personal hero and she's not moving. Not only is she not moving, but she's broken. I can see it clearly… her back… her back isn't bending right. I want to puke.**

**I stand frozen for maybe minutes, or maybe hours. Then Anya is struggling over debris herself, trying to reach me and the witches are stumbling toward Buffy. I glance at Spike and he doesn't know. He doesn't know what I see and I can't find my voice.**

**Now Anya is telling me that Giles needs my help, but so do Spike and so does Buffy and I can't help them all at once and I don't know what to do. A deep breath takes care of that, but I sure do wish Commando would pop up now, because he was so organized and besides, I don't want to be here right now. I can't trust Hyena, but I'd trust him… he could take over for a while and I could just hide. But he's a no show, still, so I have to suck it up and leave Buffy to the witches.**

**With Anya's help, we get Spike to a shack, but not before he sees. And oh, God, his shock… his grief just brings my own closer to the surface. I'm trying to be calm… I'm trying to let the witches cast their spells and make Buffy okay but Tara is holding Willow and my other best friend is wailing. I've never heard wailing of grief, but I recognize it instantly and it's only because of Hyena's pushing and pushing for Spike's welfare that I don't collapse into a ball and go quietly insane.**

**Spike is sobbing. I've never seen him sob. I've never even imagined a sobbing Spike. It's awful and I'm doing everything I can to hold back my own tears because Giles still needs help and Giles is a Watcher and he'll know how to help Buffy. He'll pull out a book or some powders and she'll stop lying there looking like that and then we'll all yell at Buffy for getting so close to going out for real and then we'll have chocolate ice cream and watch whatever movie is playing on cable.**

**I kiss Spike's forehead hard twice, but he continues to grieve and even though I feel guilty and even though Hyena is calling me a shit for leaving him, I have a mental list I need to complete. Getting Spike away from Mr. Sol is checked off and now I have to help Giles and then play errand boy for whatever ingredients he needs to make Buffy get up and smile and congratulate us on another successful campaign against the latest lame-o villain of the week.**

**Anya and I head toward the tower where Giles has been pinned and I realize, just barely, that I'm almost knocking Anya down as she tries to accept my weight because I'm having trouble walking. I look toward Buffy and Tara and Willow and I want to puke again, but it's not on my list so I make myself not do it.**

**It takes some effort, but eventually we get Giles free with some help from Dawn. She's bleeding and she's so pale and I think that she's lost too much blood, but then I realize its shock because she's so calm as she tells us that Buffy is dead. Hyena immediately tells me that the pack needs a new leader and it should be us. I shut her out. Buffy's not dead. Okay, maybe she is a little, but CPR brought her back before and now we have magic so it'll only be for a few minutes longer than last time, that's all.**

**I really hate that bitch. I can't wait to get her out of my head.**

**Giles' face is full of pain and I don't know if it's the ankle or Buffy. And now I feel guilty for even letting it cross my mind that his pain wouldn't be for Buffy. But we need to stop hurting because we'll fix this. This is a temporary set back for Buffy, that's all.**

**But I'm starting to not believe me. I'm starting to get that Buffy is dead and I hate myself for not staying in my little cocoon of denial. I want to blame Hyena for this, but it's my own regular voice that's telling me that a spell isn't going to make things right. Shut up, Me!**

**I can't look at Dawn. She's so fragile and she looks broken too, but it's on the inside instead of her body. I'm worried about her. I have to grow up and act like a man now because Dawn needs me to be there for her. There's some voice whispering that Dawn should be the one lying on the ground, but I pretend not to hear it because that's a disgusting, evil, selfish, horrible thing to think. And it's not true, anyway. No one should be lying there dead, except Glory.**

"**Glory," I ask, because what if she's not dead? What if her timetable isn't over yet?**

"**I'm afraid Ben died when the gate closed," Giles says in a flat voice. I chalk this up to shock because things are really starting to break through my own shock now. "He, no doubt, took her with him."**

"**So Dawn is safe now," Anya comments and I glance at Dawn, not meaning to.**

"**Except for the part where I got my sister killed," Dawn whispers and I see tears flowing down the previous tracks of previous recent tears.**

**We've been telling Dawnie throughout this whole Glory thing that the bad things that have happened, including to Anya wasn't her fault. I don't say that now. I should say so again, but I can't because Buffy is dead and Glory is dead and I want very much to yell at someone. I feel badly about this; it really isn't Dawn's fault, but I can't talk to her just yet.**

**We gather around Buffy's body. I'm holding Giles up and I lower him to the ground trying not to jar his broken ankle any more than necessary. He's sweaty and pale and is gritting his teeth. The Zeppo strikes again. I wish more than ever that Commando was here… he'd already have Giles' ankle set and have him walking as if it had never been broken in the first place, by now.**

**We hear a voice we don't know and when I look, I have a moment of panic. The Sunnydale P.D. has never been reliable, but it figures that the one time we don't want them is the moment they turn up. It's just one guy and I swear I'm almost ready to let Hyena grab a brick and brain the guy… then I realize that wouldn't accomplish a lot and I'm not the cop-killer type.**

**Thankfully Giles wasn't knocked out in everything or I don't know what we'd do. That Watcher training really comes in handy though, because when Giles speaks so authoritatively it is like we can't not listen to him. **

**He gets us organized into work details (the way I should have, seeing as I'm a crew boss for crissakes) and he somehow gets Detective Stein working for us instead of against us. I run to the Magic Box (former) and get my car while the others try to hide what is going on from the outside world. I have an inkling of why Giles wants to hide Buffy's death and yet I can't quite grasp what he's doing… I think I'm in a state of shock.**

**When I get back and while Giles works out dealing further with the detective, I run to check on Spike. I need to be near him, to know that he isn't dragging himself into some sunlight somewhere and I want him to know he isn't alone. I am there for him.**

"**She's dead," he says to me. He has stopped crying but this is worse because he's so… calm; empty?**

**I nod my head. I think my voice would crack if I tried to speak at the moment.**

"**I failed her."**

"**We failed her," I tell him. Because we all had a job to do… keep Glory and her minions busy so they can't start the ritual. That one thing was all she asked and we botched it.**

**I watch Spike shake himself… or get a hold of himself… one of those metaphors. He wipes his face, "I need to get out there. Dawn needs me."**

"**Sunshine," I whisper because I have a brick lodged in my throat and even breathing hurts right now. Speaking is almost impossible.**

_**We need him, **_**Hyena insists, as if I don't have a clue. **_**I need him. Don't let him hurt himself.**_

**I don't respond to her. I don't want to talk to her. I want her to go away and disappear because she's not in pain… she's not grieving. I know it; I can feel it. She's not throwing a party that Buffy's dead, but she's not losing any time in plotting to be our new leader.**

**I really, really hate the bitch.**

"**I'll wait here," Spike says to me and he's looking so intently into my eyes I wonder if I'm becoming hypnotized. "You have to see to Dawn until nightfall. You have to… you have to assure her that this isn't her fault, Xander," he insists. **

**I feel guilty now for not telling Dawn that things weren't her fault. It's like Spike read my mind and knew that I wasn't taking care of her.**

"**She's with Tara. She's cut."**

**Spike's eyes open wide in panic and I'm forced to speak more to reassure him that it isn't life threatening. I have to admit that the more I speak, though, the easier it's becoming. I'm not sure that's a good thing… it seems unfair or disrespectful to feel even this small bit of comfort.**

"**We'll find a tarp or something to get you home. You can greet Dawn when she gets there."**

"**I may need to spend a lot of time with her," he looks me up and down. "In case… in case you were thinking about us. I don't know how much time we'll have. I promised Buffy to see to her."**

"**We'll work it out," I assure him. I wasn't even thinking about 'us'. "I have to get back to Giles. He broke his ankle and there's a police man we have to keep on our side."**

"**Xander?"**

**I turn back in his direction, as I am heading out of the shack's door already.**

"**We'll get through this. We hurt, but we'll get through."**

**I almost believe him, until I see a teardrop fall from his chin.**

**When I get back, Buffy is wrapped up in some tarp. Very much like the tarp I thought we were going to get for Spike, actually. It makes me feel uneasy… like my skin is creeping.**

"**Xander, you need to put B-Buffy in the car," Giles says quietly. "She cannot be seen. She'll n-need to go in the, uh, in the boot."**

**My reaction must have shown on my face because I felt like he'd just sucker punched me to the kidneys. I didn't have a chance to say anything before he was nodding his head.**

"**I know. It's unpleasant."**

"**You don't know ****anything!****" I don't know why I'm so angry. He's acting all Watcher-guy and Buffy is dead and I want him to express some God damned feelings about it and he's talking about loading her in the trunk like groceries… like junk you're taking to the dump!**

"**Xander…."**

"…**No! No, we're not doing this!" I am yelling now and I can't stop myself even as I see Anya and Willow blanch in the face of my hostility. "We don't treat her like garbage you just toss in the trunk, you cold blooded son of a bitch!" **

**It's his turn to react as if I've struck him. I'm crying now. I held off until now, but it feels kind of good to cry angry tears so I don't fight to stop them.**

"**Xander," Anya says as she steps between Giles and I.**

"**No, Anya, no… she doesn't… I'm not just…." I can't think. I can't speak in sentences now.**

**I feel her soft hand on the side of my face. Her thumb wipes the tears from my cheek and hers are shining brightly with unshed tears of her own.**

"**We have to protect her, Xander," she tells me and she is speaking so softly I swear I have to hold my breath to hear her. "We can't let them take her to an undertaker, like Joyce. We have to take her home where we can take care of her. And Spike needs the backseat to stay out of the sunlight."**

**Everything she says makes sense but I can't stop feeling sick about putting Buffy away in the trunk. It feels so… like we don't care; like this is just some chore like putting paint cans away. I try to explain, but I can't make my words make sense, even to myself.**

"**Shhh. It's okay, Xan. I promise. She'll understand why we need to do this. She knows that Dawn will be in danger if demons find out the Hellmouth is without the Slayer. She'll forgive us. And she wouldn't want us to leave Spike here all day, alone and grieving." **

**Anya puts her arms around me and I cry… really cry for about a minute on her shoulder. And these aren't angry tears, they're desperate and from pain. And then I do what I have to do and I try not to think about Buffy's face because I want to believe that she'd understand but I'm afraid I'll see her hating me.**

**I hear Giles tell the Detective who has just arrived from getting Tara and Dawn off to the hospital, "Now, I need you to help Willow and Xander. We need to retrieve April and the Buffy robot. We'll need them." **

"**Robots," Detective Stein replies with surprise.**

"**I'll explain," Willow says dully. When I look at her, she still has fresh tears falling. I've managed to stop again, but I don't know for how long.**

"**There's a lot to get you caught up on," I tell this new man in our lives. "I sure hope we can trust you." And I don't mean for it to, but I think it comes out sort of hostile.**

**Detective Stein, Rick, is taking Giles to the hospital now in his car. He has the Buffy and Faithbot in his trunk.**

**In mine, is the true Buffy. Willow is sitting in the passenger seat. She's still very sniffly, but I think the tears have stopped. Anya wants to know what we do next, but I don't know. She always wants to ask questions that have no answers. She's sitting crowded between Will and I so that Spike can have the back seat to stretch out under a ratty white furniture cover. I wish he'd say something, I wish he'd fidget but there's nothing from the back.**

**We're heading back toward Joyce's, which I guess would go to Dawn now, except that we can't tell anyone that Buffy is actually deceased. I don't know what we're going to do. I do know that if this detective tries to betray us, I may just let Hyena take care of the problem for us. **

**For right now, I just want to focus on getting the car to Buffy's and remembering to breathe.**

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

End Story

**Spanderverse Series**:

_BTVS seasons 1-4._

Spanderverse: After 314

Spanderverse: Spike

Spanderverse: Dracula

Spanderverse: Burial

_BTVS: Real Me_

Spanderverse: Confusion of Three

Preludes

Tensions

Old Friends

Hospital Visits

The Risks of Glory

Hunting Our Needs

The Family We Choose

Falling Apart

Sunnydale Antics

Feints and Counter-Feints

Pathways

_BTVS: The Body_

Coming Together

Songs of Pain and Comfort

Battling with a God

Glory's Moment

Spanderverse: Points of View One

Spanderverse: Points of View Two

Spanderverse: Points of View Three


End file.
